From Scoocher Joel…
DICK CHENEY and GEORGE BUSH sit together in the oval office, decorated for Christmastime.
A wrapped gift sits on the desk between them.
BUSH
One last Christmas in the White House, eh, Dicky. One last yuletide for the junta.
CHENEY
I never cared for births. Too much blood.
BUSH
Come on, Dick, get serious, I’m being warm and sentimental and yuletide-ish here. My heart is as vulnerable as a Louisiana levee.
CHENEY
I don’t care for glad tidings either.
BUSH
Dick, as we gather around home and hearth and bring our most loved ones nearest to us, I wanted you to know how very much I have enjoyed our eight years in this White House… Invading countries… Enriching our friends… Employing John Yoo to torture the language… Me mispronouncing words so everyone thought I was dumb, when we both know I’m the brains of this conflagration.
CHENEY
What the hell’s in the box, kid? I’m late to high-five the Saudis.
BUSH
Dick, I scrimped and saved from my weekly allowance from Dad and got you-
Bush pushes the gift towards Cheney. Cheney opens it, and upon seeing the gift inside swallows hard.
CHENEY
Is it…? Can it be…? How did you….?
BUSH
That’s it, Dick. The only original copy of the leaked Red Cross report that shows we’ve been torturing Islams on orders from the top – that’s us! – for years! You can keep it in your man-sized safe!
CHENEY
I… I…. I don’t want to cry or I’ll short-circuit! I don’t know how to say Thank You.
BUSH
You don’t need to, buddy.
CHENEY
Good, because I literally do not know how to say Thank You. The best I can do is grunt and tell you to roll off of me. Harhar.
BUSH
Aw come on, man, you’re ruining my Christmas mellow.
CHENEY
But I got you something, too, George.
BUSH
Holy Jose Padilla! You’ve never given me a gift, ever! Even when you worked for my dad! Dick, did someone hack your heart and make you get this? Is your heart hacked right now?
CHENEY
Obviously, you fart! Some bleeding heart hacked into me last week and walked me around whistling and caroling and gift-shopping and giving money to the Salvation Army, ugh ugh ugh! until I found exactly the thing for you!
Cheney produces a small envelope from his pocket. Bush opens it and finds a KEY.
BUSH
To your heart?
CHENEY
God, no! I’m trying to remove keys to my heart, you fart-sniffing son of a- Excuse me, George. No, not my heart. It’s a key to your very own personal thermonuclear weapon! I know how you’ve always wanted to fly over Fallujah riding a rocket with your cowboy hat in hand just like Slim Pickens – and now you can!
BUSH
Oh yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes! This is just… I’m so honored to… My daddy never even gave me a key to the Escort, let alone my own bomb!
CHENEY
Glad you like it, kid.
BUSH
But Dick, I sold my cowboy hat to be able to get you the Red Cross report.
CHENEY
And I sold my man-sized safe to get you the nuclear weapon. Huh. It’s just like the gift of the Magi.
BUSH
You got me frankincense? Yes! I’ll get my bong!
CHENEY
Sometimes, George, I really do wish someone would hack my heart and take me far away from you.
BUSH
Maybe it’ll happen yet, Dick! I hear there’s some master hacker out there who loves challenging power. He’s called Adrian Lamo.
CHENEY
Well LMAO.
BUSH
Ha! NSFW! And Merry Christmas to all, right, Dicky! Happy Birthday to the Little Lord Jesus! And hurray for the junta!
END SCENE
