Hi there, Scoochers! As promised, we’re providing transcripts here of some of the scenes that listeners are contributing to Hack My Heart, our collectively written action romance sci fi thriller Christmas film about Bush and Cheney’s friendship in the White House. This one comes from @jlchaffee and is absolutely amazing.
INT. APPLE COMPUTER STORE – DAY
DICK CHENEY stands at the genius bar clutching a walker for support.
CHENEY
Who do I have to put into a stress position to get some service around here?!
An APPLE EMPLOYEE walks over to him.
APPLE EMPLOYEE 1
Can I help you, sir?
CHENEY
Look you little piece of unused cannon fodder, can some anarchist hacker hack into my heart and kill me?
APPLE EMPLOYEE 1
Sir?
CHENEY
My heart has an implanted defibrillator and I need to know if some dirty Occupy thug on a jihad can hack into it and kill me?
APPLE EMPLOYEE 1
I’m not a doctor, sir.
CHENEY
Doctor? Hell, I don’t want a doctor! I want a genius!
Another APPLE EMPLOYEE appears and dismisses the first employee.
APPLE EMPLOYEE 2
Excuse me, sir, can I help you?
CHENEY
I doubt it! I only need to know if the defibrillator in my heart is vulnerable to hackers.
APPLE EMPLOYEE 2
Oh, sir, of course it is. I would be very concerned if I were you. Hackers have hacked defibrillators all over the world, from the Mayo clinic to Mosul.
CHENEY
Egads, so I need to go somewhere technology can’t find me. Detroit?
APPLE EMPLOYEE 2
No, sir, there is no such place as your drone program knows very well. Where you need to be is in a place that has no internet connection – then there is no avenue by which to hack your heart.
CHENEY
And where the hell is that? The dungeon under my house that is totally cut off from the world is already full of ACORN activists!
APPLE EMPLOYEE 2
Well there is only one place I know of. A movie theater – but not just any movie theater. There is a special movie theater that only shows American action movies of brave American soldiers eviscerating the Middle East and environs in the most glorious American way possible.
CHENEY
Is there popcorn?
APPLE EMPLOYEE 2
Oh yes, plenty of popcorn, sir. Plenty!
CHENEY
Where is it? L.A.?
APPLE EMPLOYEE 2
No, sir, this movie theater is in a distant land and has been constructed to keep all internet connections out while you just watch movies and eat popcorn and feel good about what you’ve contributed to the world.
CHENEY
Where is it, you little shit?
APPLE EMPLOYEE 2
The Hague.
CHENEY
The Hague?! Oh no!
Just down the genius bar a loud customer, GEORGE W BUSH, talks excitedly with another APPLE EMPLOYEE.
BUSH
What do you mean I’ve reached the last level of Candy Crush? There’s always more levels!
APPLE EMPLOYEE 3
Sir, there is a finite number of levels to every game. Maybe you’d be interested in the new version of Tetris?
Bush
Sounds Greek! No thanks.
APPLE EMPLOYEE 3
Or maybe Words With Friends?
BUSH
Ha. Too much words. I want more levels of Candy Crush!
APPLE EMPLOYEE 3
Sir, there is only one place in the world that has more levels to Candy Crush and they do not export it or allow anyone not in that place to use it.
BUSH
Where? Where? My daddy will get it for me!
APPLE EMPLOYEE 3
The Hague.
CHENEY, BUSH
The Hague?! Oh no!
Both Cheney and Bush look up from their conversations and look at each other.
CHENEY, BUSH
You? Uh-oh!
BUSH
Guess we’re going to Florida, DC!
CHENEY
It’s the Netherlands, you asshole.
BUSH
Central American is fine by me!
CHENEY
Christ.
BUSH and CHENEY walk away from the genius bar together.
Watching them walk away, APPLE EMPLOYEE 2 removes a fake beard and glasses and toupee to reveal himself as Jose Padilla.
APPLE EMPLOYEE 3 unzips a full body suit to reveal that underneath his disguise she is really Chelsea Manning.
JOSE PADILLA
Oh, you!
CHELSEA MANNING
Oh, you!
END SCENE
