Hack My Heart

From Scoocher Joel…

INT. WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT
DICK CHENEY and GEORGE BUSH sit together in the oval office, decorated for Christmastime.

A wrapped gift sits on the desk between them.

BUSH

One last Christmas in the White House, eh, Dicky. One last yuletide for the junta.

CHENEY

I never cared for births. Too much blood.

BUSH

Come on, Dick, get serious, I’m being warm and sentimental and yuletide-ish here. My heart is as vulnerable as a Louisiana levee.

CHENEY

I don’t care for glad tidings either.

BUSH

Dick, as we gather around home and hearth and bring our most loved ones nearest to us, I wanted you to know how very much I have enjoyed our eight years in this White House… Invading countries… Enriching our friends… Employing John Yoo to torture the language… Me mispronouncing words so everyone thought I was dumb, when we both know I’m the brains of this conflagration.

CHENEY

What the hell’s in the box, kid? I’m late to high-five the Saudis.

BUSH

Dick, I scrimped and saved from my weekly allowance from Dad and got you-

Bush pushes the gift towards Cheney. Cheney opens it, and upon seeing the gift inside swallows hard.

CHENEY

Is it…? Can it be…? How did you….?

BUSH

That’s it, Dick. The only original copy of the leaked Red Cross report that shows we’ve been torturing Islams on orders from the top – that’s us! – for years! You can keep it in your man-sized safe!

CHENEY

I… I…. I don’t want to cry or I’ll short-circuit! I don’t know how to say Thank You.

BUSH

You don’t need to, buddy.

CHENEY

Good, because I literally do not know how to say Thank You. The best I can do is grunt and tell you to roll off of me. Harhar.

BUSH

Aw come on, man, you’re ruining my Christmas mellow.

CHENEY

But I got you something, too, George.

BUSH

Holy Jose Padilla! You’ve never given me a gift, ever! Even when you worked for my dad! Dick, did someone hack your heart and make you get this? Is your heart hacked right now?

CHENEY

Obviously, you fart! Some bleeding heart hacked into me last week and walked me around whistling and caroling and gift-shopping and giving money to the Salvation Army, ugh ugh ugh! until I found exactly the thing for you!

Cheney produces a small envelope from his pocket. Bush opens it and finds a KEY.

BUSH

To your heart?

CHENEY

God, no! I’m trying to remove keys to my heart, you fart-sniffing son of a- Excuse me, George. No, not my heart. It’s a key to your very own personal thermonuclear weapon! I know how you’ve always wanted to fly over Fallujah riding a rocket with your cowboy hat in hand just like Slim Pickens – and now you can!

BUSH

Oh yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes! This is just… I’m so honored to… My daddy never even gave me a key to the Escort, let alone my own bomb!

CHENEY

Glad you like it, kid.

BUSH

But Dick, I sold my cowboy hat to be able to get you the Red Cross report.

CHENEY

And I sold my man-sized safe to get you the nuclear weapon. Huh. It’s just like the gift of the Magi.

BUSH

You got me frankincense? Yes! I’ll get my bong!

CHENEY

Sometimes, George, I really do wish someone would hack my heart and take me far away from you.

BUSH

Maybe it’ll happen yet, Dick! I hear there’s some master hacker out there who loves challenging power. He’s called Adrian Lamo.

CHENEY

Well LMAO.

BUSH

Ha! NSFW! And Merry Christmas to all, right, Dicky! Happy Birthday to the Little Lord Jesus! And hurray for the junta!

END SCENE

Hi Scoochers, here’s another #HackMyHeart scene, contributed by our website designer @LinearEh. It is also amazing. It’s all coming together!

(This is a pivotal dramatic scene that occurs around the midpoint of the film, where Cheney and Bush’s relationship reaches its darkest moment. Cheney has been asking Bush to pardon his friend Scooter Libby, and Bush has invited him to dinner to give him his final decision.)

INT: WHITE HOUSE DINING ROOM

Cheney and Bush sit at opposite ends of a long table in an otherwise empty room. Both pick furtively at their food, eyes averted. The mood is tense.

Cheney looks up to see Bush now staring intently. The president shakes his head- almost imperceptibly- but the message is received.

BUSH

I’m sorry, Dicky.

Cheney’s eyes lock back on his plate.

BUSH

I’m the decider, and I decide what is best. And what’s best is for Scooter to remain… unpardoned.

A long silence. Cheney does not offer a response.

BUSH

A decision had to be made…

Cheney slams down his silverware, cutting Bush off.

CHENEY

With all due respect sir, go fuck yourself. You’re leaving a good man wounded on the field of battle.

BUSH

Dicky, listen to me! Listen. I want to help ya. I really do. I already communaled his sentence. He ain’t never gunna see the inside or outside of a jail. I promise ya. What more do ya want?

Cheney stares at the president for a long moment. His demeanor softens, to the extent that is possible.

CHENEY

Don’t make me beg, George.

[beat]

Don’t make me beg.

Bush shoves a large bite of steak into his mouth.

BUSH

Ya already been begging, Dicky. And I told ya. Yessir, a good man had to fall on his sword. Done us a solid, sword-wise. If not for Scooty, that sword would still be hanging over us, like that… what they call that sword of Damascus. Why would we want that? No, Dicky-

He gestures at the ceiling.

BUSH

-Ain’t no swords here, not on my watch.

Glaring, Cheney stands up, wiping his mouth with his linen napkin. He wordlessly pushes his chair in and turns his back on the president.

As he reaches the door, he stops, but does not turn around.

CHENEY

He didn’t have any last words.

BUSH

I’m sorry?

[Note: This refers to an earlier plot point where Cheney murdered Tim Russert (and covered it up) to protect Scooter Libby. (I imagine him delivering the classic Bond-villain monologue to Russert.)]

CHENEY

Russert. You once asked what his last words were. Well, he didn’t have any. I didn’t give him the chance. For in my heart… or in what *was* my heart… there exists not the emotion you humans call “mercy”. I lost it long ago. But when, George…

He turns around to face his old friend.

CHENEY

When did you lose your heart as well?

Cheney opens the door and exits the dining room. Bush slowly chews his steak.

END SCENE

Hi there, Scoochers! As promised, we’re providing transcripts here of some of the scenes that listeners are contributing to Hack My Heart, our collectively written action romance sci fi thriller Christmas film about Bush and Cheney’s friendship in the White House. This one comes from @jlchaffee and is absolutely amazing.

 

INT. APPLE COMPUTER STORE – DAY

DICK CHENEY stands at the genius bar clutching a walker for support.

CHENEY

Who do I have to put into a stress position to get some service around here?!

An APPLE EMPLOYEE walks over to him.

APPLE EMPLOYEE 1

Can I help you, sir?

CHENEY

Look you little piece of unused cannon fodder, can some anarchist hacker hack into my heart and kill me?

APPLE EMPLOYEE 1

Sir?

CHENEY

My heart has an implanted defibrillator and I need to know if some dirty Occupy thug on a jihad can hack into it and kill me?

APPLE EMPLOYEE 1

I’m not a doctor, sir.

CHENEY

Doctor? Hell, I don’t want a doctor! I want a genius!

Another APPLE EMPLOYEE appears and dismisses the first employee.

APPLE EMPLOYEE 2

Excuse me, sir, can I help you?

CHENEY

I doubt it! I only need to know if the defibrillator in my heart is vulnerable to hackers.

APPLE EMPLOYEE 2

Oh, sir, of course it is. I would be very concerned if I were you. Hackers have hacked defibrillators all over the world, from the Mayo clinic to Mosul.

CHENEY

Egads, so I need to go somewhere technology can’t find me. Detroit?

APPLE EMPLOYEE 2

No, sir, there is no such place as your drone program knows very well. Where you need to be is in a place that has no internet connection – then there is no avenue by which to hack your heart.

CHENEY

And where the hell is that? The dungeon under my house that is totally cut off from the world is already full of ACORN activists!

APPLE EMPLOYEE 2

Well there is only one place I know of. A movie theater – but not just any movie theater. There is a special movie theater that only shows American action movies of brave American soldiers eviscerating the Middle East and environs in the most glorious American way possible.

CHENEY

Is there popcorn?

APPLE EMPLOYEE 2

Oh yes, plenty of popcorn, sir. Plenty!

CHENEY

Where is it? L.A.?

APPLE EMPLOYEE 2

No, sir, this movie theater is in a distant land and has been constructed to keep all internet connections out while you just watch movies and eat popcorn and feel good about what you’ve contributed to the world.

CHENEY

Where is it, you little shit?

APPLE EMPLOYEE 2

The Hague.

CHENEY

The Hague?! Oh no!

Just down the genius bar a loud customer, GEORGE W BUSH, talks excitedly with another APPLE EMPLOYEE.

BUSH

What do you mean I’ve reached the last level of Candy Crush? There’s always more levels!

APPLE EMPLOYEE 3

Sir, there is a finite number of levels to every game. Maybe you’d be interested in the new version of Tetris?

Bush

Sounds Greek! No thanks.

APPLE EMPLOYEE 3

Or maybe Words With Friends?

BUSH

Ha. Too much words. I want more levels of Candy Crush!

APPLE EMPLOYEE 3

Sir, there is only one place in the world that has more levels to Candy Crush and they do not export it or allow anyone not in that place to use it.

BUSH

Where? Where? My daddy will get it for me!

APPLE EMPLOYEE 3

The Hague.

CHENEY, BUSH

The Hague?! Oh no!

Both Cheney and Bush look up from their conversations and look at each other.

CHENEY, BUSH

You? Uh-oh!

BUSH

Guess we’re going to Florida, DC!

CHENEY

It’s the Netherlands, you asshole.

BUSH

Central American is fine by me!

CHENEY

Christ.

BUSH and CHENEY walk away from the genius bar together.

Watching them walk away, APPLE EMPLOYEE 2 removes a fake beard and glasses and toupee to reveal himself as Jose Padilla.

APPLE EMPLOYEE 3 unzips a full body suit to reveal that underneath his disguise she is really Chelsea Manning.

JOSE PADILLA

Oh, you!

CHELSEA MANNING

Oh, you!

END SCENE

Hack My Heart: The Movie Poster

November 14th, 2013

Hello, Scoochers! Earlier this week, we decided to collectively write a romantic comedy about Bush and Cheney’s strained relationship in the White House. It will be called “Hack My Heart,” and you should all feel free to contribute a scene. Our web designer, Abbie (@LinearEh), has already made an amazing movie poster:

HackMyHeart

This will be the greatest movie ever collectively written.